### The Ups and Downs of Being Socially Awkward Social norms and cues, such as knowing when to say hello or giving people personal space, help you navigate social situations. You might have been directly taught some of these norms. Others, you might’ve picked up on by watching others. When you witness someone fumbling one of these norms, you might cringe internally and feel embarrassed for the other person. Likewise, you probably feel your stomach turn over when you botch an introduction to someone new or slip up on your words. But social awkwardness doesn’t have to be a bad thing. In fact, it might even benefit you in some ways. But that doesn’t make it any less distressing in the moment. Here’s a look at signs of social awkwardness, tips for overcoming it, and reasons why it might not be such a negative thing. Social awkwardness isn’t a mental health issue — there’s no diagnostic criteria or even a concrete definition. It’s more of a feeling, or a collection of feelings and experiences that form a pattern in your life. These feelings and experiences often result from: • failure to notice certain social cues • misunderstanding or not noticing others’ body language Heidi McKenzie, PsyD, explains that socially awkward people might have a hard time navigating conversations or working their way into a group. As a result, they might seem a bit “off” to others. Is it bad? Social awkwardness, in itself, isn’t a bad thing. But it can become problematic if it leads to distress due to: • people making unkind remarks • spending a lot of time wondering if you’ve done something wrong • frequently having trouble in social situations • wanting to make friends but struggling to connect with others • feeling rejected by others In a perfect world, everyone would recognize that people are unique and have different skill sets. But in reality, this doesn’t always happen. This can be tough to face. But it doesn’t mean you need to change who you are. Social situations may not be your area of strength, but there are things you can do to minimize your stress around these scenarios (more on this later). Does it serve any purpose? Before getting into strategies to overcome social awkwardness, it’s important to understand that social awkwardness has a few upsides. Internal warning system If you find yourself in an awkward situation, you might think something along the lines of, “This isn’t what I thought would happen.” You might feel a little uneasy or uncomfortable and have the urge to get away as soon as possible. But a small 2012 study suggests these very feelings can help by acting as a warning system of sorts. They help you realise when you’ve approached (or crossed) a social boundary. As a result, you might experience physical symptoms of anxiety, panic, or fear, including: • muscle tension • flushed face • pounding heart • nausea • hyperventilation This probably doesn’t sound beneficial at all. But this discomfort can motivate you to: • take action in the moment • take care to avoid missing similar social cues in the future Deep conversation skills Having a hard time with small talk and routine social interactions doesn’t mean you aren’t a good conversation partner. Unique perspectives Psychologist Ty Tashiro notes in his book Awkward: The Science of Why We’re Socially Awkward and Why That’s Awesome that socially awkward people tend to view the world around them in different ways. They may be less likely to notice social cues or pick up on emotions but feel more driven toward systematic or scientific approaches. This unique perspective may stem from differences in the brain — differences that sometimes relate to high intelligence and achievement, according to Tashiro. “Awkward people’s minds tend to make them natural scientists because they are good at seeing details, picking up on patterns in these details, and taking a systematic approach to problems,” he writes. How can I feel more comfortable in social settings? Social awkwardness can have its benefits, but you might notice some drawbacks, too. Perhaps you often feel misplaced or like you’re missing something. Or maybe you sometimes do or say things that create awkwardness at home, school, or work. These tips can help you better navigate social situations and deal with the repercussions that come from inevitable slip-ups. Dive deep Spending a little time learning more about social awkwardness might help you feel more accepting of this part of yourself Not sure where to start? Try visiting your library or bookstore. There are a range of books on this topic that offer interesting explorations of what social awkwardness is and isn’t, along with helpful guidance. Recommended reading A few to consider include: • Awkward: The Science of Why We’re Socially Awkward and Why That’s Awesome by Ty Tashiro • Improve Your Social Skills by Daniel Wendler • Cringeworthy: A Theory of Awkwardness by Melissa Dahl It can be hard to recognize social awkwardness in yourself because you might not even be aware of some of the social cues you aren’t picking up on. Instead, you might just notice that you don’t seem to fit in with your peers. Remember that awkward situations happen to everyone Social awkwardness happens, probably more than you realize. While there aren’t any statistics to back this up, it’s pretty safe to assume most of the people you meet in your daily life have experienced awkward moments of their own. Say you drop all the groceries you were carrying in the middle of the supermarket. A jar of pasta sauce breaks, eggs smash, and cherry tomatoes roll out their carton and across the aisle. Every fiber of your being is internally screaming and telling you to abandon your groceries and run out the door. But try to remember: You definitely aren’t the first person to do this in that particular store. Nor are you the last. And everyone who turned to look? They’ve likely been there before in some form or another. Face awkwardness head-on When faced with an awkward moment, whether you’ve made a social blunder or simply witnessed someone else’s, you’ll typically react in one of two ways: • avoid or ignore what happened • address the mistake The small study discussed earlier concluded that avoiding or ignoring an awkward situation doesn’t help. Instead, this tends to just prolong the awkwardness and make future interactions even more uncomfortable. The next time you realize you’ve done something awkward, try acknowledging it with a casual remark or joke instead of withdrawing. Practice interacting with others If you struggle in social settings, you might find it helpful to practice conversation and communication skills with someone you know and trust. Communication involves things like: • knowing how to start a conversation • recognizing when a conversation is over • changing the subject smoothly • knowing when to interject and how to avoid interrupting someone But good communication also involves knowing how to read someone’s body language. This can help you recognize cues like discomfort, boredom, interest, and so on. You can practice interacting with others by: • taking social skills classes • asking friends or other people you trust for advice and suggestions • running through practice scenarios with friends or family • putting yourself into more social situations Pro tip Worried about practicing your social skills in front of people you might potentially see again? Consider taking your practice outside of your usual spots. For example, you could try striking up a brief conversation with the cashier at a grocery store you never go to or take your dog to a park that’s on the other side of town. Try to stay present Mindfulness techniques help you pay more attention to what’s happening in the here and now. Being more mindful as you go about your day can help you stay focused on your present surroundings. This can help reduce awkward moments in two ways: • If you’re more tuned in to what’s happening around you, you’re less likely to miss cues from others that might warn you about a possible mishap, like venting frustrations about a co-worker who’s walking up behind you. • Increasing your awareness in the present moment can help you avoid thinking too much about awkward moments that have already happened. Instead, you might find it easier to let them go and move forward. When to seek help Again, there’s nothing wrong with social awkwardness. But it’s important to pay attention to how it makes you feel. If you feel unhappy, distressed, or lonely in your daily life, you might want to consider talking to a therapist who can help you explore the reasons for these feelings. They can also help you develop new social skills and sharpen your self-identity. A therapist can also help you identify underlying issues that might be playing a role, such as social anxiety. McKenzie explains that, while some people use the terms “social awkwardness” and “social anxiety” interchangeably, they’re two different things. “People with social anxiety typically have average to above-average social skills,” she says. “You might feel like everyone at the cocktail party thinks you’re ‘weird,’ but odds are good that you’re coming off just fine to others.” This anxiety can make you withdraw from certain social situations or just avoid them altogether. The bottom line There’s nothing wrong with being socially awkward. Whether you recognize your social awkwardness or not, it generally isn’t bad or harmful, unless it bothers you or keeps you from doing things you want to do. But if you feel like you’re doing just fine, don’t feel pressured to change. Remember, everyone experiences a bit of awkwardness from time to time. Being more social isn’t about pleasing everyone around you. Seriously. There’s nothing wrong with chilling at home and binge-watching your favorite show after a long week. Putting yourself out there can look different for everyone. Maybe for you, it’s about hanging with some of your closest pals or chatting it up with the pizza delivery guy. Here’s a look at 10 tips to help you better connect with others. If some of these tips aren’t the right fit, feel free to ditch them altogether and try something else. What’s important is that you find the joy in connecting. 1. Make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons First thing’s first, there’s no right way to put yourself out there. It’s OK if you’re not into hitting the club every other night or accepting all those Facebook event invites. More than anything, you’re under no obligation to fulfill other people’s expectations, and this includes how you spend your time. DROWN OUT THE OTHER VOICES If you’re unsure of how to make the distinction between what you want versus what others are telling you to want, try asking yourself the following questions: • Am I looking forward to spending time with this person or going to this event? • Do I feel guilty about letting people down or being judged as antisocial? • Will meeting up bring me joy? Pay attention to your gut reaction here. While feeling close to others has it benefits, it’s important to go about it on our own terms and in a way that feels psychologically nurturing to you. 2. Start up a conversation So, you’re ready to embark on opening yourself up a little more and making new friends. Maybe you’d like to learn the magical art of “small talk” or how to strike up a conversation at the next wedding you’re invited to. But how the heck do people do it? First, know that the person next to you probably feels the same way you do. According to professor Bernardo Carducci, who ran the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast, around 40 percent of adults and teens identify as being shy. Having a few ice breakers on hand can be a great way to boost your confidence when approaching others. Luckily, most people love to talk about themselves, so this is a pretty foolproof starting point. ICE BREAKERS TO TRY • “What are some great shows you’ve recently binge-watched?” • “I’m watching this great cooking show on Netflix. What are your top favorite restaurants you would recommend? • “Where’s the last place you traveled? What did you like about it?” Remember to share something similar about yourself, too, such as “I’m from Florida, I just moved for the warmer weather, and am loving the beach so far.” Mackenzie notes that people who deal with social awkwardness “may struggle with small talk, but they’re often great at diving deep into topics they’re passionate about.” 3. Be a good listener We all like to feel seen and heard. One of the best and undervalued ways of connecting with others is by thoughtfully listening to what they have to say. You can practice active listening by being curious and seeking to understand where the other person is coming from. Avoid interrupting them mid-story or talking over them when they answer a question. Instead, offer your undivided attention and genuine interest. Try to ask follow-up questions where they feel natural to show that you’re listening carefully to what they’re saying. When listening, keep these questions in mind: • What’s important to this person? • What are they excited to share? • What do they value? 4. Give compliments freely When in doubt, say something kind. The right words at the right time can make someone’s day significantly better and also open the door to a conversation. Studies show that by doing so, we also increase our own life satisfaction. Telling a co-worker you enjoyed their presentation or letting someone know how much you like their shirt is a great way to connect. But make sure you’re being sincere to avoid appearing disingenuous. Here are a few steps for paying someone a compliment: 1 Pay attention to what you genuinely like about a person so that you’ll really mean what you say. 2 Don’t be obvious. Notice the small things that make someone unique so that your words stand out. 3 Avoid platitudes or clichés. Don’t say the same thing to everyone or compliment their physical appearance. Instead, focus on personality qualities or quirks. 5. Get involved If you’re ready to take a bigger step toward putting yourself out there, consider finding a hobby that is social, such as volunteering at a nonprofit. This is also a great way of giving back and being of service. Participating in activities you enjoy can help alleviate feelings of inadequacy when meeting new people, especially if you’ve just moved to a new community. Plus, you already know of at least one thing you’ll have in common with others there, whether that be a love of gardening, a soft spot for animals, or a passion for social justice. 6. Host a monthly brunch Invite friends and family over for a special meal and take the time to meaningfully engage with one another. This is a fun way to schedule quality time with loved ones — even just two or three people — in a supportive environment where you can laugh, talk, and reminisce. And if you’re not really into brunch, opt for hosting a casual dinner party instead. Use it as an opportunity to connect and practice your conversational skills. 7. Pick up the phone and make a date If you’re more of a one-on-one person and not really into group get-togethers, try phoning a friend and setting up a time for grabbing lunch or even just video chatting. Better yet, invite them over to your house so you feel more comfortable. Remember: You don’t need to make an elaborate activity for hanging out and enjoying each other’s company. Think of someone you miss and would like to spend more quality time with, then pick up the phone and make a plan. 8. Chat with strangers There’s nothing like getting to know those around you to make you feel like you’re part of a community. For one, it gives you a sense of belonging. It also gives you an opportunity to turn acquaintances into closer friends. Start up a spontaneous conversation with your barista the next time you’re ordering your latte, or ask your neighbor how her day is going. While seemingly casual, one 2014 study found that interacting with a wide network of people on a daily basis contributes to your well-being. 9. Sign up for a class The first step in meeting new people is by exposing yourself to an engaging environment. Step outside your comfort zone and look up available classes that you’ve been dying to take. This allows you to expand and exercise your social skills. So, take that painting or cooking class and spark a conversation while you wait for class to start. You’ll find it’s often easier to talk with others when you share common interests. 10. Recognise when you might need help Human connection is an important part of your overall well-being, but it isn’t always easy. Keep in mind that developing your social skills is a gradual process that won’t happen overnight. Don’t judge yourself if you aren’t making as much progress as you’d like. It’s normal to experience some nervousness when you put yourself out there, but if you feel inhibited by your shyness or that it’s preventing you from socialising, it may be time to talk to someone about potential underlying mental health concerns, such as social anxiety, agoraphobia, or generalised anxiety disorder. Ask yourself: • Do you avoid places where there are other people? • Are you terrified you’ll feel embarrassed or that others are judging you? • Do you feel trapped or helpless? • Are you afraid of leaving your home for extended periods of time? • Do social situations (or just thinking about them) cause physical reactions, such as nausea, dizziness, sweating, rapid heart rate, trouble breathing, or trembling? If you experience any of the above symptoms, consider working with a qualified therapist or other mental health professional. They may recommend a combination of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), support groups, and medication if necessary. Even if you don’t have a mental health condition, a therapist can help you identify what you’re hoping to get out of being more social and offer more tips on how to get there. ….. copy rest of article….. --- Defusion: How to Detangle from Thoughts & Feelings Estimated reading time: 7 minutes [Defusion: How to Detangle from Thoughts & Feelings](https://thepsychologygroup.com/defusion/) By Dr. Gabriela Sadurní Rodríguez Video Timestamps: Defusion Definition: 1:15 Hands as Thoughts Metaphor to better explain Defusion: 4:20 Defusion Techniques: 6:40 Do you ever feel as if your thoughts dictate how your day goes? Or how you interact with others? Does it sometimes feel exhausting trying to shut off your thoughts? Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), poses an interesting idea for thoughts; instead of trying to change, fight, or repress our inner experiences (e.g., thoughts, emotions, sensations, etc.), we can focus on changing how we relate to them. Our minds tell us different stories because that’s what minds do. Using an ACT framework, the content of the thought is not problematic, it’s how we relate to it that can create a problem. For example, if a person has the thought “I’m useless,” and is completely fused with it (i.e., giving it their full attention, believing it, getting caught up in it), then they might feel sad or bad about themselves and avoid doing things that are important and/or meaningful to them. When we are fused with our thoughts, we might believe them as an absolute truth thus, thoughts dictate/rule our behaviour. Believing thoughts such as “I’m useless” is not helpful and it will not be conducive to living as we want. Additionally, while fused with our thoughts/emotions, we have difficulty separating them from reality and our direct experience; which leads to labelling, evaluating, categorising, judging, comparing, etc. On the contrary, viewing thoughts for what they are (i.e., passing words, pictures, sensations), facilitates letting them go and being able to be present and focus on your broader experience. This is what the skill of defusion is essentially about. What is defusion? Defusion is a skill or technique that is primarily used to detach, separate, or get some distance from our thoughts and emotions. Please note that when we use the word ‘thought’ it also encompasses other internal experiences such as beliefs, attitudes, assumptions, memories, etc. Defusion Techniques From a Therapist in Fort Lauderdale According to Russ Harris in ACT Made Simple (2009), cognitive defusion is: Looking at thoughts rather than from thoughts Noticing thoughts rather than becoming caught up in thoughts Letting thoughts come and go rather than holding on to them “You cannot stop the waves, but you can learn to surf” -Jon Kabat-Zinn The aim of defusion is to: Decrease our attachment to our inner experiences Reduce the believability of thoughts Decrease the influence of thoughts on our behaviors and experiences Increase our ability to be present and take effective action Facilitate psychological flexibility With defusion techniques you do not battle difficult thoughts, instead, you choose how much attention you pay to them. It also helps to ask yourself: Is holding on to this thought/belief helpful? Is doing so causing me suffering or keeping me from being effective? Am I being pushed around by my thoughts? These questions aid in better understanding the workability concept. This is assessing if what we are doing is working to live a meaningful life, and it’s also choosing to take action based on what works instead of what is true. Here is an experiential example to better understand the concepts of fusion and defusion. How Defusion Works: Hands as Thoughts Metaphor Put your hands together, palms facing upwards, as if they were pages on an open book. Imagine that your hands are your thoughts. Now, slowly raise your hands up toward your face until you are covering your eyes and can only see through the gaps of your fingers. Take a look around and notice how this impacts your view and connection with your environment. Notice it is difficult to see much other than your hands (thoughts), so what would it be like to go through your day this way? Would you be limited or miss out on things? Would it be challenging to respond to others or the world around you? This is a good representation of fusion. We become so entangled with our thoughts that we get disconnected from our environment and the present (here and now) experience. Similarly, our thoughts also have a big impact on our behavior and capacity to be effective. Now, slowly begin lowering your hands and notice the difference. Notice as the distance from your hands (thoughts) and your eyes increase, you are able to take in more information and it is easier to connect with others or your environment. This is a good representation of defusion. Your hands (thoughts) are still there, and you can look at them without becoming entangled with them. If the thoughts are useful/workable you may use them; if they are not, you notice them and let them sit there. This aids in becoming flexible and taking effective behavior. Adapted from: Harris, R. (2009) ACT made simple. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc. Defusion Techniques You may feel silly at first but these defusion techniques work. Try them and see for yourself. You can use whichever technique or techniques work for you. These are not meant to be done in order. Just Noticing Saying to yourself “I notice I’m having a thought of…” You may use labels to describe your inner experience. For example, “there is that ‘I’m unlovable’ thought,” or “I see you [mind] catastrophising again,” etc. Thanking the Mind Telling your mind “Thanks for the feedback,” or “Thank you for this interesting thought” when having difficult thoughts. It aids if you do it in a somewhat sarcastic manner so that you don’t take your thoughts too seriously. Remember that your goal is to change your relationship to our thoughts. Mindful Watching Looking at your thoughts with curiosity and openness, just noticing how they come and go (flow), without attempting to control or change them. Here is a helpful exercise for mindful watching using imagery: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1C8hwj5LXw Repeating the Thought Use a silly voice when repeating the thoughts out loud (e.g., using Bugs Bunny’s voice), sing your thoughts, or repeat the thoughts out loud and over and over until only sound remains. Who would benefit from defusion skills? Anyone who struggles with recurring ‘negative’ thoughts, or thoughts that significantly impact mood and behavior. Defusion is a particularly helpful technique for those who struggle with depressive and anxiety symptoms. Furthermore, this actually is a skill that is useful for anyone, regardless of having or not having a psychological condition, as it is not uncommon to get tangled up and fused with our thoughts from time to time.